


Redamancy

by ConnorsWritingSux



Series: Loved [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abused Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Background Logic | Logan Sanders, Background Sleep | Remy Sanders, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Minor Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Minor Original Character(s), Mutual Pining, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Pining Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Pining Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Protective Morality | Patton Sanders, Romantic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 22:03:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17691929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConnorsWritingSux/pseuds/ConnorsWritingSux
Summary: Virgil is a sad bastard for nearly 8,000 words, includes romantic prinxiety.





	Redamancy

**Author's Note:**

> This monster has taken me a while to complete, around four months, so I really hope you all enjoy it. Also, there is a mention of unintentional self-harm and blood so I'll mark it with ** and end it with **

There’s something calming about coming home from a long day at work, making yourself a cold glass of water, and throwing yourself on your bed to watch a movie. It often helps Virgil to destress after the 6-hour shifts at his local library, especially when he’s required to work the front desk. That wasn’t to say that he hates his job, but he finds working at the front desk far harder than stocking shelves or adding new shipments of books to the library’s inventory. Still, it is better than no job at all, so he doesn’t complain too much unless it was to his housemates.

Laying on the lumpy mattress he’d brought from home, Virgil can’t help but think about his best friends. He loves the two of them and their differences equally.

Patton is their self-proclaimed dad, and after knowing the other man for nearly two years (after meeting him in an embarrassing fashion in the dorm kitchen), it isn’t difficult for Virgil to see that his thoughtful words and affectionate actions are out of genuine kindness. Patton takes care of each of them by being there with kind words, affectionate touches, and home cooked meals, but just like a parent, he doesn’t often let them see anything but his positivity for a long time until he breaks under the weight of his own mind.

Virge grimaces as he recalls Patton’s harsh sobs from the last time that happened and shakes his head to dislodge his own dark thoughts. Since that night, Patton has been far more open with them about his real thoughts and feelings and hasn’t had a night like that for nine months. An occasion that all three housemates would celebrate together each month Patton makes it without one with an outing of his choice. Those are his favorite days with them, the days where the three of them are just a small, silly family.

A sigh escapes him as he crawls off the bed and changes into more comfortable clothes. His work clothing left forgotten on the carpeted floor as he stares in the full-length mirror hung on his closet door, his favorite black and purple patched hoodie gripped tightly in his hands as he looks at his body. He tries to find a tiny bit of beauty in his imperfect body. There’s none to be found, nothing that can hide how mistreated his body is after years of self-harm. He looks at the hoodie in his hands and then to the scarred, puffy flesh that streaks his arms, then back to the mirror, feeling the Grayness begin to cloud his mind.

**Look at yourself, Virgil. Do you really think that hoodie can hide your ugliness?**

He breaks his eyes away from his reflection, trying to ignore that nagging voice in his mind. Slipping on the hoodie, he braces himself for the worst as he looks back at the mirror with clenched fists. Nothing stares back at him but his reflection and, as he releases the tension in his body little by little, he thinks of Logan. 

 

* * *

 

Logan had been Virgil’s roommate during his sophomore year of college. Being a senior and preparing to graduate in the spring, Logan had taken little outward interest in the younger man but was a veritable spring of knowledge and quite helpful when Virgil needed help in class. It took the young man returning to their shared dorm room from his boyfriend’s place with a few suspicious bruises and a shaky disposition for Logan to show outward care towards Virgil. Though the senior had taken it upon himself to assist Virgil in breaking up with his abusive ex and reporting the man to the campus police, the sophomore didn’t understand why this cold, oftentimes insensitive man had done something like this for him and pulled away from the budding friendship.

He’d had been genuinely afraid that Logan was only trying to get into his pants with the sudden nice guy act, but the other man had put his fears to rest by sitting him down one night and telling his own story. Apparently, Logan had been through a similar situation, only he didn’t have anyone to help him escape the relationship, so he’d stayed until his abuser grew tired of Logan’s cold demeanor and left him. As Logan bared his soul, Virgil noticed the small things about Logan that he’d never thought of before: the way he’d constantly push his glasses back up onto his face even when they hadn’t moved, the slight shake of his hands as he spoke about his own trauma, the way that Logan’s blue eyes were glazed over with unshed tears, and the kind words he offered his new friend after their feelings fest.

“Even on your darkest days, I will be a guiding light, a steady voice, and loving hands. Never forget that, Virgil.” The young man in question had only looked at his friend with hesitant eyes before throwing himself at Logan who’d opened his arms for their first hug. That was the night Logan became someone precious to Virgil, the night he vowed to fight anyone who even considered hurting his best friend again. The years passed and their relationship went through rough times, but they stuck by one another and, eventually found they considered the other a brother. Brothers that would love and support one another through dark times.

* * *

 

 As his focus returns to the mirror and he swears he can feel those **_disgusting, lying_** hands touching his body, he bitterly wonders where his brother is when he needs him. The invisible hands start crawling their way to his neck where they begin to squeeze until he has nothing left to give, nothing left in his body for him to take. His vision is growing blurry and he hears rough gasping from somewhere so very close that it’s right in his ears. _Oh,_ he thinks. _That’s my breathing_.

The floor gets closer and even though he feels that there was a pain in his knees, it seems to be too far away to feel. There’s a sharp pain in his chest that he can’t recognize, and he struggles to escape, to find the break in the downward spiral of his memories.

 He tries thinking of how Patton smells, the scent of brown sugar and clean laundry and the dogs of the veterinary hospital where Patton worked but discovers that he could only hear his worst fears of what his honorary dad would say to him one day _. No wonder your family treated you like dirt, you’re barely able to take care of yourself. You rely on Logan and me for everything, you’re just… You’re not **worth the time and effort, kiddo. You’re worthless.** _

Virgil hears a raspy sob and knows it’s coming from his own mouth as his ex’s voice melds with Patton’s. He knows he relies on them more than he should, but they constantly tell him to, they want him to rely on them because they’re a fami-

**They’ll leave you one day, Virgil, dear. Even your precious Logan.**

Logan... Virgil’s mind locks onto his brother. Onto his soft smiles, the hip checks in the mornings as they both wait for the coffee to brew, the way Logan had been so overjoyed when Virgil agreed to move into the house with them, and the way he’d so readily agreed to have Patton move in with them too. Logan had been there for him through thick-and-thin and, while the older man hadn’t always understood Virgil, he’d learned and adapted to his little brother’s needs, something others hadn’t ever done for Virgil before Logan. He takes a shaky breath as his mind fights against the good thoughts of his brother and he slowly adds Patton and all his sunshine-y glory in the fight with his demons.

He keeps breathing, through the pain and harsh words his mind threw at him. 4 words Logan had said to him once they’d accepted each other as family. 7 times that Logan and Patton had been there to help Virgil with his anxiety attacks by grounding him now and giving him the affection or space, he needed during and after the attacks. 8 scars that reminded him of the battles he’d fought and made it through.

4-7-8.

4-7-8.

Nothing but that exercise for what feels like hours.

Then, ever so slowly, his world comes back into focus and the young man wonders how he’d managed to end up laying on his side on the ground. He rolls onto his back and stares up at the glow-in-the-dark stars and planets that were either passed onto or hung from the ceiling. They’d been put up by Patton and Logan as a surprise to their favorite little emo-tional boy. A small smile made its way onto his face as he thinks about how much he loves them. His birth family may have abandoned him, but his found family have rescued and saved his life more times than he can count on two hands.

He could have lain there for longer had his body not made its pain known loud and clear. And, as much as he wants to avoid the mirror, he needs to know what he looks like, to see what damage he’s done to himself this time. Rising to his feet as slowly as possible to avoid falling back down, he checks his appearance in the glass.

******

“Oh…” Is all he can manage while his reflection looks as though it’d been through hell and back ten times within two seconds. His eyes are puffy and red, his cheeks blotchy and just as red as his eyes, if not more so. His neck is covered in claw marks from where he’d tried to get **his** hands away from his throat before it was crushed. It had been bleeding but had thankfully stopped earlier if the dried, flaking blood was anything to go by. _Just how long have I been there on the floor?_

****** _  
_

Virgil takes a few minutes to examine himself before rushing to his bathroom to clean up. He really, really doesn’t want Logan and Patton to have to deal with his issues tonight as they’d likely be getting home earlier than usual. Looking at the analog clock on the wall, he notes that it’s 3:54 and his family wouldn’t be getting home for at least another two to three hours. While he often wishes they would get off work and come home earlier, he knows that they can’t always be home when he needs or wants them to be and berates himself for even being so selfish. Especially since Logan is working as a director of the city’s largest planetarium, a feat that Virgil is always proud of him for, and Patton is the manager for the Sanders Veterinary Hospital. Still, he can’t help but miss them, especially when he desperately needs kind words and reassurance against his own troubled mind.

Pushing the sadness down and locking it up as best he can, he showers, taking extra care with his neck and legs. He doesn’t bother with drying his hair, letting it drip onto his hoodie as he makes his way into the common area of their home. Peeking around the corner, the little hope he has that one of his family members are home dies. He shuffles into their living room and sits in the armchair Patton had brought when he moved in that had become Virgil’s chair. Fiddling with his phone, he texts Logan a short message.

**To Lo-the-best-bro [sent at 4:44]**

Hey Logan, could you grab some Dutch chocolate ice cream on your way home?

Once he’s sure the message sent, he debates sending their dad a message. Patton was amazing and cared about his boys deeply, but Virge knows that Patton needs to focus at work, something he can’t do if Virgil worries him, so he vetoes his own idea in favor of texting his newish coworker, Roman.

 

* * *

 

Roman Sherwood had waltzed into Virgil’s life out of the blue only five months prior, but they already knew one another from high school. Great for Roman who’d come back from studying theatre in New York, and terrible for Virgil who remembered the hell on heels that Roman had been at one point. The two of them quite literally ran into one another on Virge’s way to work one morning. He’d been knocked to the ground by Roman’s broad shoulders and lost his coffee to the dirt. As the pale man swore beneath his breath, a hand reached down to help him up. He took it, lifting his head and locking eyes with Roman. Virgil could feel his eyes widen in disbelief and prayed to every god that his high school crush didn’t recognize him, after all, he’d grown into a decently attractive young man from that scrawny kid he used to be-then again, Roman had too.

Wait.

Roman’s eyes lit up and a smile so bright and genuine it almost looked fake stretched across his lips as he spoke. “Virgil Gale? Is that you?” Virgil kept quiet, mind on overdrive at being remembered by the prettiest boy from his alma mater. Roman didn’t seem to notice Virge’s silence nor the fact that they were still holding hands or merely ignored those facts, as he continued talking. “You’re looking well! I hope you remember me, we had drama class together at one point if I recall correctly. It’s Roman Sherwood, by the way, just in case you didn’t remember...” He trailed off there before a pretty blush bloomed on his cheeks and he relinquished Virgil’s hand. With the blush on his cheeks and the way he fiddled with the sleeves of his letterman jacket, Virgil could tell something was up.

It hit the young man immediately after his thought and he couldn’t fight the small smile that he sent Roman’s direction to ease his nerves. “It’s not every day an old peer of mine like yourself knocks me down, Roman. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget you.” _How could I_? “What brings you back to this small town?” As the last word left his lips, Roman visibly deflated and looked away. Shit, he’d said something wrong, how could he fix it?  It was obvious to him that Roman had changed immensely from their high school days and, steeling himself for a sharp rejection, asked Roman a question he’d wanted to ask the other since he’d first seen him in ninth grade.

“Would… Would you like to grab coffee with me? We could grab breakfast as well if you want.” He gestured to the cup that had once been full of delicious mana and grabbed it from the ground, tossing the dirty cup into a nearby trash can. Roman’s eyes gained back a bit of their shine and Virgil knew that he’d made the right decision.

He took Roman to his favorite bakery/coffeehouse in town that was run by two amazing people that Virgil met after a terrible date had left him to walk home in the rain with a dead cell phone. He explained this to Roman as they walked the 10 minutes there. How Remy, the man who ran the coffeehouse, had been preparing to close and brought him in out of the rain, and Emile, Remy’s partner in the business that who also ran the bakery, had given him warm food and drinks along with a blanket to warm him up as they set him by the fireplace. They’d been kind and helped him out, so he always tried to stop by when he could to say hello and grab something for the road. Roman seemed to soak in every word and, by the time they were preparing to leave the shop, had told Virgil the entire story of his life from their high school graduation to what transpired before he’d knocked Virgil down.

They exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch, Virgil promising mainly out of concern for Roman. And when Roman was fired from his job as a cubicle worker, Virgil put in a good word for him at the library, taking him out for a celebratory dinner when Roman scored a librarian position. Since that day in the park, the two had become much closer than they had been in high school, sharing a mutual love for music, Disney, and fantasy in general. It was only during a night when Virge had stayed with Roman to watch Hercules that he realized what he felt for Roman. As Megara sang “I Won’t Say I’m In Love” he watched Roman sing it too, and as they locked eyes and he stared into loving brown irises, he knew he was completely fucked. 

 

* * *

 

Something changed that night, and the two became more affectionate with one another. Virgil and Roman would send kissy emojis and the like, and every touch, however accidental, lasted longer than they had before.

Even now, months after that night, he doesn’t want to get his hopes up that Roman possibly wants to be with something as broken as him, but he appreciates the easy affection from someone he considers a best friend. Even with all the kissy faces and heart emojis and somewhat flirtatious messages that Ro sent him, he doesn’t want to assume his feelings were mutual because the kind man deserves better than him.

The vibration from his phone breaks him from his thoughts and as he reads Logan’s text, his decent mood from thinking about Roman and what could be dissipates into the air around him.

**From Lo-the-best-bro [received at 5:15]**

Forgive me, Virgil. My boss would like me to stay until 9 this evening. Perhaps Patton could procure some ice cream for you?

**To Lo-the-best-bro [sent at 5:16]**

Okay, Lo. I love you.

Virgil waits for a good two minutes for Logan to send his own loving response back and tries not read into the lack of response in any way that would trigger a spiral. _He has to work. Logan doesn’t always press the send button after typing a message. He still loves me because he was remorseful about not being able to get my ice cream._ Virgil repeats those words to himself a few times and then texts Patton.

**To Popstar [sent at 5:22]**

Dad, I asked Lo if he’d buy me dutch chocolate ice cream, but he said he’d be super late. Would you buy me some? Pleaseeeee?

The response comes a minute later, and disappointment makes Virge’s heart a bit heavier, but he understands that work comes first in many cases. _Even when I really need them. It’s fine. I’ll be fine._

**From Popstar  [received at 5:23]**

Sorry, kiddo! I gotta stay late tonight too :-(

These silly people have been skimping on their paperwork and I need to lay down the law. Why don’t you see if your friend Roman will get you some?

I love you, my dark strange son!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-) <3<3<3<3

**To Popstar  [sent at 5:25]**

Don’t lay down the law too hard. You might scare them off otherwise. I’ll see if Ro would be willing to get me some. I love you too, Patton <3 

Virge mentally slaps himself in the face for getting so lost in his thoughts about Roman that he forgot to text him and wouldn’t have if Patton hadn’t said anything. Thank God for Patton. He always manages to help even when he’s not here.

He switches to send a message to Roman and hopes beyond all hope that he’s home and not sleeping but considering the fact that the other man occasionally takes night shifts at the library, he’d likely be at the library bored out of his mind. It would be a great distraction and he might even come and hang out with me. With that in mind, he types out a text to his cr-Roman and presses send before he chickens out and deletes it.

**To The-Prince-of-my-heart [sent at 5:35]**

Hey Ro? Would it too late to ask you to come over with some Dutch chocolate ice cream and Disney movies so we could hang out?

**From The-Prince-of-my-heart [received at 5:37]**

I would love to, Virge. I actually just made it to my place, so I’ll see you in ten minutes! <3 :*

Virgil grins to himself as he closes the message app on his phone and opens kleptocats to pass the time. He found the game purely by accident and showed Patton who immediately downloaded the game and became addicted. Patton’s passion for animals was noteworthy and admirable because the man was allergic to cats but still did his best to bring in strays, nurse them to health, and give them to good homes. He often roped Virgil in, and Logan as well when the workaholic wasn’t preparing for work or busy with his books and theories.

Virgil stops playing the game to think about his small family and how strange, yet great they were together. _And I wouldn’t trade them for the world_.

The sound of a car door shutting wakes him from his happy thoughts and the purple haired man practically trips on his own feet in his haste to get to the door. He waits until Roman was likely near the door to unlock and wrench it open with a smile on his face. His friend had been preparing to press the doorbell, stopping when he saw Virge’s face. “Virgil! How are you? I brought the goods.” He raises a paper bag and grins as he steps closer to the other man. Virgil snorts at his silly friend - _just friend_ , his mind interjects- and moves aside to allow Roman entry into his home, closing and locking the door back behind him.

He turns away from the door and heads to the kitchen, expecting to see his friend in there but as he’s turning a corner to head back into the common room after not seeing Roman, he runs into the other man’s chest. He squeaks in surprise and jumps back, realizing too late that his sock covered feet have caused him to slip. The other man grabs him by the waist, preventing him from falling and embarrassing himself any further than he has within the five minutes of Roman being there. A blush rises to his cheeks and he avoids Roman’s eyes, murmuring his thanks before essentially running to the kitchen, leaving an equally blushing and confused Roman behind.

 _What the fuck. What the absolute fuck. Get yourself together, Virgil_. He berates himself as he scoops ice cream from the carton before setting it in the freezer, grabbing a spoon and taking the bowl of ice cream to the living room where he finds Roman making a nest of pillows and throw blankets on the ground _. I love this boy_. The thought races through his mind before he can stop it. _I love him, and it hurts to know he’ll never love me._

“-gil. Vi, dear, are you with me?” Roman’s concerned voice brings him back to the present and he simply nods and sits down, barely noticing that the first movie of the night, Moana, has already started. As soon as he’s situated in the nest of pillows beside Roman, the sweetheart covers their legs with a light maroon blanket he’s obviously brought from home and wraps a muscular arm around Virgil, pulling the other man close as he rests his back against the couch. Virgil’s mind shuts down and he bites back a sigh of contentment at the warmth his crush radiates.

They stay that way throughout the entire movie, Roman singing along to the catchy songs with Virgil sometimes singing along too, Ro’s hand either rubbing his side or resting on his hip. Roman moves once to change the movie and Vi finds himself missing Roman’s body against his own. He snuggles into Ro’s side once he returns and Hercules begins to play. The movie and the music take him back to the night where their relationship changed for the better. He hums along to a few of the songs, but leaves the real singing up to Roman, loving the timbre of his voice as he presses close enough to hear the other man’s heartbeat. 

However, once the first chord for “I Won’t Say I’m In Love” starts to play, Roman pushes Virgil away gently and looks him in the eyes. Brown meets grey and Virgil can’t help but admire the man, the near Greek god, that sits next to him and is looking at him with a hunger he’s never had directed his way. It’s exciting and he can’t help the shiver that runs down his spine, breaking eye contact and looking at the movie. Smooth, Virgil. Why are you playing hard to get when it’s more than obvious that you want him?

Those thoughts do not last long as his chin is gripped firmly but gently and turned to face Roman and then, those lips were on his. He’s surprised but melts into the kiss with a pleased sigh. This is what he wants… Right?

_Yes._

**No.**

He kisses back, eyes slipping shut as he loses himself to the feelings and love he feels for this man. It couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds, but he is still left breathless when they pull away from one another.

Roman’s eyes shine with nothing but love and hope, but his body language speaks of something else, fear. Virgil can’t bring himself to speak as he his mind takes over and the gray seeps in again. He’s wanted Roman to kiss him for such a long time, so why does he feel like crying? He loves his friend so dearly, to the point that he’s had more than one sleepless night brought about by thoughts of Roman and what could be. Yet, as he stares into those brown eyes, he knows the truth.

_I don’t deserve him. I never will._

“Virgil, please… Don’t say that, my love. You deserve me and so much more,” Roman places his hands-on Virgil’s cheeks and the anxious male realizes he’s said his thoughts out loud.

Pulling away from those hands, the warmth he craves, and the love he’s wished for in his dreams, he shakes his head and looks away from Roman. His voice unsteady as he talks, and he hears the flat tone that he’s only ever directed at himself being directed at Roman. “I think you should go, Roman. This was a mistake.”

_I’m a mistake. Just run while you can, Ro._

A trembling hand reaches out to him and he can’t help but look into its owner’s face, seeing the tears that had just begun to fall as that hand makes contact with his cheek. Neither of them speaks for a bit, finding themselves going back to the way they’d been before the kiss, only Roman is curled up to Virgil’s side instead. They stay that way for a bit, unspoken questions and anxiety tainting the air they breathe. Every time that Roman begins to speak, he only manages one or two words before it dissolves back into a somewhat uncomfortable silence. Virgil’s been afraid of this, afraid that he’d ruin the friendship they share with his insecurities, and he’s done it. If Roman hadn’t deserved better than him before, he does now.

Roman pulls away from his side and stares at his face, seeming to memorize every detail as if they’d never see each other again. **You fucked up, Virgil. You two aren’t going to be seeing one another again** , the Grayness helpfully supplies, and he feels tears forming as he begs Roman for one thing.

“Please don’t go.” Why did he just say that? Begging for Roman to stay would only hurt both of them more. But he wants to be selfish. He wants Ro to stay with him, even if things would never be the same. A light chuckle catches his attention and he looks at Roman, raising a questioning brow.

Roman simply offers him a watery smile and pats his cheek softly. “As if you could get rid of me so easily, My Chemically Imbalanced Romance. It’ll take more than this to tarnish the steel of our friendship!” Virgil snorts at the choice of words as he leans into the touch, frowning when the other man’s cheery demeanor dulls yet again. “I’m so sorry, Virgil. I… I shouldn’t have assumed that you wanted more from me other than friendship. I would understand if you never want to see me again. I-” Virgil cuts him off by placing his hand over Roman’s mouth. And, with a deep breath, begins speaking his mind.

“Ro, I want to date you. I have since ninth grade, actually,” he chuckles to himself as Roman’s eyes widen at the admission before continuing. “But I’ve always thought you were out of my league. You’re beautiful for one. I mean, no matter what you may think about yourself, your body is strong and beautiful. Your face is perfect with your brown eyes, full eyelashes, and the kind of nose you’d find on Greek statues. And your hair is so curly and beautiful, and I just want to run my fingers through it when I see you.

“Second of all, you’re adorable. If anybody else but you started singing a Disney song at the top of their lungs, I’d kill them. You’re so talented and sweet and hilarious and you get a look in your eyes when you’re determined to do something. It’s just…” He trails off, noticing the tears that had started falling again. He brushes them away from Roman’s cheeks absentmindedly with the hand already on his face before setting it in his own lap.

“Roman, you’re so won-der-,” he stops and tries to slow his mind down, feeling annoyed with himself for having a little voice crack at a time like this. “You’re so great and I’m,” he gestures at himself vaguely. “I’m just me. I’m too reliant on Logan and Patton and you. I’m sure I drain your energy just by existing. And I’m sorry I do. I love you guys so damn much, but I don’t do anything for you! I’m just a leech and I’m sorry I that I don’t do more for you. I just… I’m useless. I’ve been useless since I was born. I burden everyone with my problems!” He stares at Roman’s shocked face, feeling the wetness of his own tears but not caring as he releases his self-deprecating thoughts into the world, knowing that after tonight, Roman would avoid him like the plague before finally disappearing from his life altogether. He knows this but the overwhelming need to tell somebody, anybody, his problems and have them reassure him, is too strong to ignore.

“My-my mom and dad hated me, Ro. They treated me like shit because I’d ruined their lives just by being born.” A bitter chuckle-turned-sob forces its way up his throat and out of his mouth at that, but he perseveres. “Being told you’ll never be worth anything since your birth can really mess a dude up. Mom was always drunk when she said those things, but even when she was sober and apologizing, I could see in her eyes that she meant it. And Dad, he never hid his hatred. He didn’t even try to deny that he wanted me gone, that he wished I’d never been born. I was just a mistake to him. He told me this every night and I believed him, Ro.” At this point, Virgil doesn’t even try to hide his crying and feels grateful to have his friend there as Roman traces nonsensical symbols onto the back of his hand in an effort to calm him down.

“Virge, you don’t have to tell me this… I understand that you have your secrets and I don’t want you to feel as though you need to share them with me.” Roman’s voice and hand are the only things keeping Virgil grounded at that point and he intertwines their fingers, admiring the way they fit together before answering.

“No, I want you to understand me, Ro. I trust you with this. I want to tell you about my life so that there are fewer problems down the line if it turns out you really do want to be with me.” Roman gives him a sweet smile and a reassuring squeeze, giving the anxious man the encouragement, he needs to continue.

“High school was alright, and I made it through without a big fuss. My parents disappeared after I was accepted to a college in Colorado which is where I met Patton and Logan and…” He stops, feeling **his** oppressive presence settling in as he remembers his freshman year of college. Roman opens his mouth to say something, likely preparing to reiterate his previous statement, only stopping when Virgil shakes his head, takes a few deep breaths to collect himself, and continues as if nothing happened.

 “That was where I met my first serious boyfriend. He… Well, he basically treated me like absolute shit the entire time we were together. I, um,” he pauses, looking for the proper words to say. “I thought it was what I deserved. I didn’t really have anybody tell me otherwise until Logan found out. It, uh, it’s taken me a few years to unlearn all the shit from them, but I know I’m getting better.” Virgil scrunches his face before correcting his previous statement. “I’m healing from it all, y’know? Logan and Patton have shown me so much love these past few years that I have more good days now than ever before. I have them, and I have you…” He trails off, blushing and turning his head to hide his blushing face as he realizes what he said.

A warm hand caresses his cheek and he leans into the warmth, letting out a pleased hum as Roman’s arms wrap around him again, pulling him into a tight, but comforting hug. “Virgil, you will have me on your side for as long as you want me.” He sinks into the embrace, tucking his head beneath Roman’s chin as he curls up, essentially sitting on Roman’s lap. He’ll let the man say what he wants, especially because he’s unsure if he can fight the grayness in his mind alone anymore. It’s gotten too difficult lately to ignore the worst of the thoughts. He nuzzles Roman’s neck affectionately, smiling to himself as a hand rubs his back in little circles.

“You say so many nice things about me, Virgil, but nothing nice about yourself.” The man in question pulls away from Roman’s neck and looks at him questioningly. A look Roman can’t help but roll his eyes at. “Virgil, my dearest friend, my closest confidant, the only purple-haired man that I’ll ever love,” he stops and winks at the now blushing man in his arms.

“You, my dear, are far more amazing than you’ve given yourself credit for. After all, I only want the best for myself.” As Virgil looks away, a sad look in his eyes, Roman tilts his chin so that they’re looking into one another’s eyes. “I only want the best for myself, and you are, by far, the best. Virgil Gale, you are such a gentle, caring old soul. Everything you do and everything you say to others, no matter how much of it is dictated by your anxiety, is appreciated. All of you is beautiful. Each and every side of your body and mind are perfect in a way that makes you who you are. I love you, Virgil. I love you and I would be so overjoyed if you allowed me to get closer to you. I am more than willing to take any romantic relationship we may have at your pace. I promise to you on the grave of William Shakespeare that I will treat you like the treasured person that you are in my eyes.”

They’re both silent for a minute, staring into each other’s eyes as the time passes, Virgil searching Roman’s face and body language for any sign that he was lying to him and found none. His eyes water at the idea that this boy- this man in front of him means the words he said. The tears are falling as soon as they form, and soon he’s sobbing into Roman’s chest, blubbering unintelligibly as Roman pets his hair and soothes him with calming words.

It feels like hours before he calms down with Roman’s help, sniffling and roughly wiping his eyes to get rid of the stray tears. “Thanks, Roman,” he mumbles to his friend, leaning against the other’s chest again, feeling more tired than before his crying session. “I love you too, and I really wanna date you.” The words are soft and unsure, but he knows his friend (boyfriend?) heard them when the other man lets out a little happy noise and he’s being rocked from side to side.

The warmth that radiates from Roman is enough to make him sleepy, his eyes drooping as he lets out a little yawn and snuggles closer to the man’s chest, finding peace in the steady beat of his heart. He can hear the man laughing at him and he whines when he’s pushed away, simply held at arm's length, but far enough away that the heat doesn’t reach him. Grey eyes lock onto brown and Roman’s expression both warms and chills Virgil. Why wouldn’t it? They’re sitting there after revealing some trauma and then confessing to one another after skirting around the issue for months. So yeah, he feels that he can deal with not being close to Roman for a moment (if only because it means he’ll have verbal proof that someone could love him that way and mean it).

He’s unfocused now. His mind travels to a separate place and now he’s back to the days of fear and just generally feeling unsafe. It’s irrational-most things he thinks often are-but it’s here and it won’t go away until he hears those words. The fear of being unlovable in a romantic sense won’t fade away until Roman loves him and wants to be with him. It’s no longer a simple problem (was it ever?) and he can’t help but wonder on the many possibilities of the night. Roman still has time to admit he’s messing with Virgil for a terrible prank, or he could turn out like to actually like him.

A soft, gentle voice is speaking to him now, a hand on his shoulder and it’s not Roman. His eyes open slowly for fear of the light and he spots him. “Patton!” he cries, throwing his arms around the man who reciprocates the hug without a second thought.

He’s being held nearly to the point of suffocating against Patton’s chest, but it’s alright. He needs this. He needs to be held for a while. And sure, it’s not Roman and they still haven’t established exactly what they are yet, but here in Patton’s arms, that doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is that he’s breathing, he’s safe, and he’s loved. Knowing these things for certain, he nods off, snuggling closer to the warmth of his dad friend and not noticing the tension in the air as he drifted off into the most peaceful rest he’d had in a week.

 

* * *

 

Virgil wakes up in his bed to the smell of something sweet baking in the kitchen. Hissing at the sunlight coming in through his curtains, the young man dresses quickly before padding downstairs for breakfast. The scene he’s met with is different but not unpleasant.

Logan and Roman are working together in the kitchen, Roman at the stove whilst Logan chops fruit for a fruit salad, Patton sitting at the little table that sits on the line in their kitchen-dining room hybrid. Patton is the first to notice him, beaming at him over the top of his steaming mug (likely coffee), pulling a chair out and patting the seat. The emo takes the offered chair and Patton leans over to whisper in his ear. “Me, Logan, and your cute boyfriend over there had a nice chat last night.”

Virgil is sipping at a glass of water when Patton speaks and has to fight his instinct to slam the glass down as his face flushes. Sputtering and trying to come up with excuses, he turns to face his friend, only quieting down when the man winks at him. “Don’t worry, Virge. I didn’t scare him off. I just warned him about hurting you.” The man’s eyes soften as they flick from Roman back to Virgil’s. “He’s a good boy, Virge. He’ll be good for you.”

Virgil only nods, blush darkening as Roman turns and spots him sitting there, face lighting up immediately as he approaches the sitting man with a sweet smile. “Good morning, my darling! Are you ready for breakfast?” A nod and Virgil makes grabby hands at Roman, snuggling into the hug he receives before the man is back at the stove. Logan brings a bowl of cut fruit to the table with four bowls and dishes some out for each of them, setting them in their appropriate places before sitting across from Patton.

“Ah, good morning, little brother. I hope you slept well last night. You seemed exhausted.” Virgil shrugs and smiles at Logan.

“Yeah, I slept pretty well. What about you? You didn’t get home ‘til 9, right?” Logan winces at his question and rubs his left shoulder.

“I had a rough night, but yes, I was supposed to be done by 9. However, I wanted to finish more of my work, so I stayed later.”

Rolling his eyes, Virgil shakes his head fondly. Logan was never going to change. Not that he wants him to.

The smell of cinnamon and sugar reaches his nose and Virgil takes a deep breath, turning his attention to Roman, who is pulling the freshly baked cinnamon rolls from the oven. The thought of biting into that warm, sweet pastry makes him salivate,  and the emo has to stop himself from taking all the cinnamon rolls and hoarding them in his room when Roman brings them to the table, neatly arranged on a plate.

Roman sits across from him with that silly little smile still on his face, and Virge can’t help but kinda smile back. It’s not as nice as Roman’s, nor can it really be called a smile, but it makes the Disney-lover smile a little wider. This fills him with a sense of accomplishment and breakfast goes by without a problem. Patton and Logan interrogate Roman and the man answers truthfully, something that Virgil appreciates genuinely. 

 Soon enough, it’s time for Roman to go, explaining that he has to work another shift that afternoon, but would miss Virgil dearly. The purple-haired man is a bit more than peeved when his boyfriend, a fact confirmed at breakfast, leaves without any form of a kiss.

Patton and Logan sit with him for a few hours, watching different movies that strike his fancy. It’s nice, but it’s hard to look them in the eyes when he must explain everything after work and before Roman arrived. Patton looks like he’s five seconds from crying whilst Logan’s jaw is clenched, fists trembling at his sides. It’s always the hardest point for them all. Difficult, but a necessary evil, and the cuddles and loving reassurance he gets afterward are more than worth it.

 

* * *

 

It’s weeks before it happens, and when it does, neither of them is really prepared for it. Roman and Virgil are having a movie night in Roman’s place, settled on a pile of blankets and curled up against one another, watching Brave. The movie’s been going for a good half hour now and Roman is enraptured. Virgil’s attention is split between the movie and how cute his boyfriend is, missing parts of the movie because Roman is too difficult to look away from.

Virgil has been trying to figure out the proper way to kiss his boyfriend for a while. Ever since the night Roman did it on impulse. Each time he works up some courage, Roman will do something and he’ll be so caught up in his luck, that he forgets his objective until he and Roman are apart. Even so, he isn’t upset with the other man, he just really, really wants to kiss him again.

Taking a deep breath, he taps Roman on the shoulder. “Hey, Ro?” he asks, trying to keep his mind on task when wide brown eyes look at him questioningly. “I, uh, was wonderin’ if maybe I could like, kiss you?”

A little gasp and then a whispered “Yes” are all he gets and then they’re kissing. Arms are around his neck and he wraps shaky arms around that lovely waist, trying to get as close as possible. It’s everything, and Roman’s lips are soft, and he tastes of sugar and the type of breath mints that burn and cool all in one, and Virgil can’t get enough. Then, he’s on his back and the kisses are frantic and hands are roaming and it’s all perfect.

There’s a pain in his lungs, a soft ache that grows and he’s pulling away from the kiss and gasping for air, taking in large, gulping breaths like a man starved for oxygen. Roman’s hands are soothing his frazzled nerves, resting on his stomach beneath the t-shirt he wears like a piece of armor. When he’s had his fill of air, they’re back to kissing, but slower now, sweeter than before. It’s as if Roman knows that he’ll break if pushed too far too soon. It’s a considerate action that he registers in the back of his mind before he focuses back on those lips and the man they belong to.

And, he’s pulling away again and he says it with no hesitation. “I love you, Roman.” It’s out there and if there is rejection, he will understand. He’ll crumble, but he’ll understand.

Another kiss, this time a little peck before Roman replies. “I love you too, Virgil.”

His world as he once knew it is crumbling now. His identity as an unlovable mess is being destroyed with those five little words. And for now, here in Roman’s arms, Virgil could care less.

 

* * *

 

There is no puzzle piece falling into place for him. None of those “Aha!” moments that hit the sad people in movies and television. Some days he’s able to smile and be a generally functional human being. On the bad days, sometimes he doesn’t even get up unless it’s an emergency. Those days are the days that Roman comes over with ice cream and fun movies to distract him until he falls asleep. Many days Virgil is still struggling to look at himself as a beautiful person, but it’s easier now. On better days, he can look in the mirror and see the proof of his loveliness permanently inked in tattoos on his skin. Those are days when he can confidently say that he is loved.

 

 

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it, please let me know. If you want to see some stuff hinted at/mentioned in here as well (Roman's life after high school, Patton and Logan's chat with Roman, or even these crazy kids later in the future), please tell me because I'd be happy to write it. Thanks for reading and have a peaceful day!


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